Gibbon's Limericks

Ok, here we go!
After a year of only having a couple limericks
on this page, Gibbon has thought
long and hard (No pun intented)
which limericks he wants on this page.
Have fun!

Warning

* means written by
Gibbon the Troubadour
which leaves him totally irresponsible for it's content

Sailors Do It With Lines!

There once was a pirate named Yates
Who tried to do the fandango on skates
Til he slipped on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And virtually useless on dates.

Me Old Pirate cookie named Gator,
Taught me "Shore fishin' be done in hip wader's",
I quickly moved up from second class,
Straight up to first class, 
And now I'm a true master baiter. *

'twas a crusty old sailor named Art,
Who let out the world's most humoungous fart,
He tried to restrict 'er,
It went off the Richter,
And caused the Red Sea to repart.

Art sailed on a Brigg to Rangoon,
Where his rumblings could be heard from the moon,
And when you'd least expect 'em,
They burst from his rectum,
With the fury of a raging typhoon!

A young Piratess was heard to say,
"Oh Dearie I'm wastin' away!
The insides of my thighs,
Look quite like mince pies,
For you pirates don't shave every day!"


A near sighted watch sailor at Woods Hole
Through his spy glass he spied him a good Ol'
Cigar steaming reek
Between red furry cheeks,
Snaps Cappy,
That's a butt budging out of a porthole. *

Two months at sea the young piratess Bates
Was rather worried because she was late,
Yes she thought it quite erried
She's missed her last period
For she knew she'd only come to master...
Another craft or something.

A strapping old Greek sailor named Brock,
'twas said he could stay up round the clock,
The ladies revered him,
And the sailors all feared him,
Because he had a nineteen inch,
Sword that hung down the side of his leg....

Miss Molly's a lady  quite blunt
For handsome young sailors  she'd hunt,
In quite boisterous shows,
So now everyone knows ,
She caught one and he's licking her ...toes. *


Three strapping seadogs from East Cooper
Each one of them drank into a stupor
When three buxom young lassies
Came, flirty and sassy
Those seapuppies could all but be drooper. *

Hey Buggars!! You sailors think yer all the rage,
But Hoi, I'm really quite good for my age,
Arrgh, I'm quick in the riggin'
And me dinghy's a big'n,
Hey,  it took two lads to haul it on stage.

Miss Molly's a young lass of fashion, 
Much known for her wit and her passion,
To her captain she said
As she straddled his head
Here's one thing you sailors can't ration.

There's Ol' Cappy n' me sailin' at sea,
When all at once we both had to wee,
Mermaids scurried beneath the rails,
With numbers scribed on their tails,
'twas a TEN ...for Ol' Cappy and me! *



Flipping the Bird

There once was an Ornithologist from Wooster,
Who grew feathers and crowed like a rooster,
To the bird god he prayed,
I want to get laid,
A great hen fell to earth so he goosed her.

That same Ornithologist played fowl in his haven,
Where he was found locked in love with a Raven,
'twas said with chagrin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"Never more!!", quoth the raven...

 This one Ornithologist named Rollo, 
Gave me this bit of logic to follow,
The bird of Sweet love
Is not the white Dove,
Could there be any doubt?  ...It's the (gulp) ...Swallow?

'twas a thrifty Troubadour from West Haven,
For a lusty pub wench he'd been cravin'
Instead he went back of the stands,
And he played off by hand
Just think of the money he's savin'? *


The Cider Mill

The Autumn brings joy to miss Leaman
For while bobbing for apples she's dreamin',
With her mouth agape wide,
Of her face wet with pride
Where at wharf side she's bobbing for seamen... *

In the orchard, three fingers got bit by three spiders
The alchemist's words made me eyes opened wider,
"Miss Molly Delight",  says Miss Mills
"Will cure all your ill's, 
Simply soak all three fingers in cider." 



Ewe That Is So Gross!

'twas a headmaster ever so cruel,
Who had quite unruly students at school,
They complained so of hunger,
The ol' boy hawked up a lunger,
And on the sly served it up in their gruel. *

An ambitious young lady from Norway,
Swung from her toes in the doorway,
And wails to her bo,
Hey flip over here Joe,
I thing I've discovered one more way!!!

An adventurous young lad from Belaire,
Was doing his girl on the stair,
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

I once knew a ratman named Price,
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice,
Yes with virgins and boys,
And mechanical toys,
And even pedittled the mice.

'Twas a crafty old boy named Dick,
Dipped his waxen tool ever so thick,
He was a candle stick maker, 
But he couldn't fake 'er,
For she knew the size of his wick. *

I once knew a lady named Hicks
Who fondled and played with Dick's wicks,
with which she laughed and embellished,
With evident relish,
For she made 'em stand up and do tricks.

There Once was a lass from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass,
Not rounded and pink,
As most gentlemen think,
But had ears, a long tail and ate grass!

The arrogant Blacksmith Mc Cass...
Claimed magnificent balls made of brass,
In harsh stormy weather,
Those brass balls clacked together,
And lightning shot out of his ass.

'twas a young farmer's helper named cull,
Accidentally was milking a bull,
His master says, "Boy yer sure dumb,
Ya done milked the wrong one!!!"
Says the boy, "But me whole bucket's full!!" 

There once was a young husband from Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
Oi, this used to be grand,
But just look at me gland,
You ain't wiping as clean as you useter.

Did ya hear of that guy from Nantucket,
He barfed out his guts in a bucket,
It seemed such a shame,
For what he'd tried to reclaim,
In a very short time did upchuck it!  *

There's a pub mistress down in Darjeeling,
Who danced with such excellent feeling,
Not a murmur was heard,
Not a sound not a word, 
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

In Darjeeling, a pub wench named Taft,
Claimed, "It's great to be best at yer craft,
For while aiming to please,
I serves beers on me knees,
So each sailor gets head with his draft."

That pub mistress that danced in Dargeeling,
Who drank til her blatter was reeling,
Was known to lay on her back,
And finger her crack,
And piss all over the ceiling.

Have you heard of that lad from Dargeeling
Whose gross habits they weren't so appealing
For while stroking his poker
He's choking a stoker, 
And picking the flies off the ceiling.



Tales From The Backside

There was that nubile cabinboy named Ned
Who bent down to pick up the soap in the head,
He got a surprise
When he started to rise,
"I am your first mate", the Rear Admiral said!

Now that cabinboy's truly a nipper,
So laddies let's give him the flipper,
For he lined his sweet arse,
With fresh broken glars, 
And done circumsized the skipper.

A rabbinical doctor named Phipps,
When asked what he does always quips,
I woik with the moil,
With precision I toil,
And I makes all me money on tips!


I. C. D. E. D .B. D. V. D.

A Sailor named Mitch E. O' Doul
Found little red spots on his tool,
His doctor a cynic,
Says, "Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off the lipstick you fool."

That braggard ol' Seaman named Mitch,
He could dittle a lass in a stitch,
Til one dittled him better, 
And now he'll regret 'er,
For Mitch has one curious itch.  

Mitch had a gal by the name of McMitchin,
Busily scratchin' her catch in the kitchen,
Mitch E says, " Rose,
Well it's crabs I suppose",
Says twitchin' Rose, " Aiee, b'Jesus they's itchin'!"

Says this young lassie to Seaman Mitch E....
" Oh Dearie it hurts me to wee",
Hmm, " I see", says me mate,
"That account's for the state
Of the purser, Ol' Cappy,  'n me."

Mitch  hooked up with a harlot named Sue,
Who had filled her little whatsitts with glue,
And said, with a wink and a grin,
"If you pay to get in,
You'll pay to get out of it too!"

Mitch sailed off to a brothel in Brighten
Says he, "Miss Milly, aw ya sure are a tight'n,"
Says she, "I won't be bustin' yer bubble,
And it's really no trouble
...butt buggar, yer not in the right'n!"


The End!